They say marriages are made in heaven. In my case, it is trying to be made in the drawing room of my house. Confused? Let me explain how this is.
The First Meeting
Indian arranged marriages are usually set up by a third party, almost like a blind date, where the boy and girl get a chance to meet and talk to each other. However, this blind date has more than two participants; the boy’s parents, the girl’s parents, any elder siblings of either, a few important and “concerning” relatives like uncles and aunts, the marriage broker, and last but not the least, the boy and the girl.
Technically, the boy is supposed to ask the girl’s father in hand for marriage. But, when the boy has never met the girl and knows pretty much nothing about her, besides her educational qualification and home economic talents, he can’t do much but to wait for his parents to make that move. So what happens is, the boy and his entourage come over to the girl’s house during tea time or sometimes even for a meal. Obviously, they are entertained in the drawing room where all get a chance to meet and greet. An array of delicious savory and sweet snacks and drinks are prepared by the girl’s family to show their hospitality and impress these guests. The boy’s family have their fill of the extravagant tea snacks they are served and exchange detailed information with the girl’s family. Once they have nothing more to talk about and there are more than long pregnant pauses in the “rendezvous” they remember that the girl is sitting in the bedroom waiting to be ushered into the drawing room.
The girl! I need a separate blog to tell you what they do to the girl. But I will give you a couple of insights.
She is dressed in her finest and made to wear gold jewelry depicting that she is the girl for whom the entire meeting is arranged. She is made to sit in one of the bedrooms and wait quietly to be called out on the mother/sister’s cue. When she walks into the drawing room she is asked to sit in a particular seat that is positioned to face the boy directly and yet is not expected to look at him eye to eye, The boy and his parents get a good look at the girl, gawk at her for a couple of silent minutes and then start questioning her about likes, dislikes, etc. Meanwhile, the girl’s parents cautiously watch for positive facial “first reactions” from the boy and his family. Some give away their thoughts instantly while others sit with poker faces making it harder for a quick wanted relief for the girl’s family.
Usually the girl is made to sit in front of these spectators all dolled up for 10-15 minutes only. You could debate on why only for 15 minutes. Based on all the experiences I have had I am thinking that either all families think that those 15 minutes are enough to fall in “toxic” love with each other or maybe they have some amount of consideration left for the girl’s feelings and ask her to go back into her room given how uncomfortable she might be feeling.
Some of you might wonder, why the huss and fuss over this one rendezvous. Well, based on these first time meetings some couples get engaged immediately in a matter of days while others move on and try finding other suitable families that match their criteria.
There are a lot of variations on how and where the first meeting should take place. People meet in restaurants, cafes, marriage brokers’ offices or even at other people’s wedding parties. But the all time favorite is the drawing room of the girl’s family. And you should know, I have been a victim to all these variations.
Finding a boy for me is not easy for my parents as we do not reside in India, especially since they are looking for some one within our community. Luckily for them (and not me), they own a house back in India like most NRI (Non Residential Indians) do. So anytime they come across a potential boy, they buy a ticket and send me with my mother to meet them. Any trip that I have made to India in the last eight years is solely for this purpose alone. You can only imagine how much I would be loving the sight of that house, which is unlocked and cleaned after our arrival and priming it to impress every other family that has come and gone.
In spite of going through these cliche meetings a little more than thirty times I am yet to figure out how to break this rut that I am stuck in.
The Engagement
Technically, the Indian engagement is an agreement between the boy and girl’s families that these two will be tying the knot and are off the pursuit market. They are not to go looking for better families and alliances any more.
Traditionally, the Indian engagement is almost like a mini wedding where both families come together and exchange gifts and a ring or some type of jewelry (like a gold chain or anklets) is gifted to the girl from the boy’s family as a sign of being engaged and vice versa. Number of guests can range from 10 – 100. Not kidding. And this is only the engagement.
Once engaged officially, the boy and girl are allowed to talk and some times even meet each other before the wedding. This is probably the only time they get to know each other properly.
However, these days the couples are allowed to talk to each other a couple of times over the phone before the engagement. (Like … thanks for the Big favor!)
The Wedding
Given the different religions and various castes that exist in the Indian society there are different takes on how the wedding is approached.
Based on my culture the wedding parties and receptions are two different events.
The wedding is organized and sponsored by the girls’ families. The boys’ families take advantage of this and invite as many guests as they possibly can. The reception is another party all together, held on a separate day and sometimes even in a separate city if the boy hails from there because this party is sponsored by his family. When this situation comes up, let me tell you, going to a wedding is not pleasant, it is a travelling task.
Both families exchange gifts with each other as a sign of respect and hospitality. They are displayed on a small table set up in the party halls just for this purpose. All guests can come, view them critically and see how well they have been wrapped or decorated. And Oh yes! Not to forget, Somewhere in between there is the infamous talk of the dreaded dowry.
You must know that my hunt for the right guy is a long eight-and-a-half year hunt as of this day. This really is not the case for many, or rather, any girl/boy that I know have gotten married following the above blueprint. Some couples have hit it off in the first meeting itself, while others might have to go through four to five encounters to find their partners. In fact, I know of couples who vouch for this arrangement and strongly feel that this is the only route to finding the perfect partner.
I, for one, do not believe in this set up one bit. What I want is, to be attracted to the boy, know that he and I do not bore each other, have a mutual level of respect and understanding and share similar views about the philosophy of life. I have to know how he is as a person before committing myself for life to not just him but his entire family.
Try being in my shoes for one day and you will begin to understand the nature and level of frustration that I have been subjected to ever since this melodrama began.
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